Scream on the Green

Thursdays in June people in Atlanta loose their minds! This is when Piedmont Park Conservancy hosts a free film in the park. People park as far away as Ponce to walk in to the park carting coolers, chairs, blankets, picnic baskets and anything else they find in their garage to tote down there and throw on the ground and take forever setting up even after the movie has started. Attending one of these movies is one of my least favorite pastimes. Thank Goddess that I do not date anyone who insists on going to these things! In fact, it’s one of the prerequisite questions I ask when I first meet someone who is dating material. It goes right after the two questions of “Are you single?” and “Do you have any kids?” “Oh, and btw – do you like to go to Screen on the Green?” If the answer is anything but a solid NO then I am out of there!

You wonder why my strong dislike on seeing a movie outside. Well, normally sitting in a moist bog in the park (even when it hasn’t rained in weeks) swatting mosquitoes after walking 3 miles carting all my gf’s (at the time but not for very long) shit is not a good time for me. In fact, I really cannot understand why it would be a good time for anyone.

It mystifies me.

Thankfully now I am seeing a very wonderful woman who hates these things as much as I do-she must be soul mate material! So, you ask why am I even talking about this stupid thing now that I am not obligated to go? It’s because I have accidentally found myself in the proximity of this fiasco the past two weeks in a row!

Every Thursday night is also lady’s night at Hoedowns and once in awhile I like to go down there and dance. Last night I was meeting a friend there for a drink after seeing the gf off to Africa. As I am driving up Monroe, traffic slows and I am wondering why when I slap my head and groan “AAAAAHH! Screen on the green! Grrrrrr” So, I call my friend and tell her that I am going to be a little late because at this point I have no idea where I am going to park. Not to mention having to navigate the car through traffic, people toting all their crap and dragging their kids and not paying attention to ANYONE or ANYTHING but getting themselves and all their crap to the park! So, already I am aggravated. I pull into the parking lot – which, is FOR patrons of the shops and bars NOT THE STUPID PEOPLE GOING TO SCREEN ON THE STUPID-ASS GREEN! No parking, traffic, people waiting with their signals on, not moving.

I think, “Fuck it” and pull behind the building and park as close to the wall as possible. I am very smug at this point happy that I found a secret parking space that none of these idiots thought of. I get out, change into my shit kickers and take my key off my key ring, slip it in my pocket, lock the car and go.

I walk up to the bar to meet my friend – she’s not there yet – still trying to cut across the park in the mayhem – I hit the bathroom and come out and am walking up to the bar and it hits me. I stop, reach into my pocket, close my eyes and pull out THE BEEMER KEY! I drove the Explorer!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


No good can come to me when I am anywhere within 5 miles of this!