Online musings of everyday life....

Wednesday, November 14, 2007


It is a day of stories. After reading poet’s and bj’s it got me thinking……well, about my first love and that story.

Poet was talking about Googling people. Yeah, I still Google my first love. In fact, I know where she lives, her phone number and even her email address. But, do I contact her? No. What would be the point in that? We are both happily in love with other people (well, I hope that for her) living and thriving in different cities. But, if I did contact her it would only be to thank her and wish her well. "Thank her for what?" you say? Well, she was my first love……

I had just arrived at Purdue and moved into my apartment off campus.
I already had a group of friends because my previous gf was from there. So, I was at a party at a friend’s house when another friend, J, came over and introduced me to M. I didn’t think much of it to be honest. After several other parties J told me that M really liked me. Really? Initially, I was not interested in this yuppie woman from Chicago who wore a Rolex on her wrist. I ignored her. That was when J started showing up at my house with M in tow, a six-pack of beer and a joint. We would proceed to get wasted and J would accidentally forget to take M with her when she left. I really still wasn’t that interested but hey, I’ll make out and Oh hey – well, ok – I’ll have sex.

That’s how it all started. Eventually, my resolve and disinterest evaporated and my heart beat strong for her.

I looked for her on campus and my heart would skip a beat when I found her in the union smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee – with her straight friends who had no idea she was gay and that we slept together. I would approach the table and she would look up and see me and I would glimpse a look of panic wash over her face and disappear. I would say hi she would say hi back. Her friends would look at me like “Who is this?” They eventually came to know me as one of M’s gay/rugby friends and that was it. M continued to keep her secret life hidden throughout our college years.

Our relationship – if you can call it that – was on during the school year but when holiday and summer breaks occurred she would disappear to Chicago without a word. I never knew when our relationship would resume until I found her standing on my doorstep. During those times we shut ourselves in my apartment and made love for days on end. We hardly drank or ate – we just made love and slept – for a weekend, sometimes a week. We skipped our classes. Our friends never knew where we were. The phone rang unanswered. The world had somehow stopped for us and all we knew was each other and our bodies.

Then, reality would hit. Her roommates had been worried and would not speak to her for days after she got back. Her pseudo boyfriend (yes, she had one of those, too) would have been looking for her. Only my friends knew what was up. We went back to the furtive looks in the union. Me never knowing if I would have her in that way again.

This went on throughout much of my years at Purdue. Once summer break occurred she would disappear and I would try to forget her.

It ended very badly for us. I couldn’t stop seeing her, stop loving her until I moved to Atlanta to do an internship. I had to get away from her. While I was gone she finished up school and moved away. I never saw her again. The last time I did see her was in the union – holding hands with my ex gf -the one I was with after her. Finally out to her friends. They were together for years after college. I kept up with her through my friend, J and then N. I heard that they moved to CA and bought a condo. But, then they broke up and M moved back to Chicago. I think she lives in Madison, WS now. I feel no ill will towards her. I would like to think I have taken the fond memories of my first love with me. I remember that she wore this cologne that I could never find but loved the smell of. It was her smell. She had this Thomson pattern cashmere scarf that she always wore with a long wool coat. She introduced me to Erasure, The Cure and The Smiths. To this day I always think of her when I hear songs from these bands. She had posters of Salvador Dali on the wall of her apartment. She never drove a car. She had a great laugh. I have one picture of us taken in my kitchen. She is in front of me and I have my arms around her. We are both smiling. I have a mullet. ;-)

Monday, November 12, 2007

Tagged Speaking Unspeakables

Bj had a very interesting post that I thought I would make myself get tagged from.

“I love you” – saying those words. That is never easy for me unless it’s to my gf. For some reason I have a very hard time saying those words to anyone other than her. My family never really said it to each other and if they did it was very emotional and you wanted to just run out of the room as fast as you could to get away from being so uncomfortable. I was also not a very affectionate child or adult. In fact, when I was a baby they called me “Little Mz. Touch-me-not” because I cried every time someone picked me up. I didn’t like to be touched at all. Every time my mother or grandmother would grab and hug me and say “My baby!” I would just cringe. I don’t know why that is.
With my gf, however, I am very affectionate. Always telling her I love her, touching her, holding her hand and so forth.

Other unspeakable stuff:

1. I’m an ex smoker. Just the thought now makes me cringe because it’s so politically incorrect. There are people that have no idea that I used to smoke.

2. I like 80’s and disco music. I know – it seems so – well – 80’s. I have friends that actually make fun of me because I like that kind of music. Although, the same friends dance to the disco music I put on at my parties.

3. I am an unlicensed landscape architect because I never seem to pass the exams – after all this time. People always say “Oh, well you’ll pass them” I do not have any confidence that I ever will to be honest and it makes me feel really stupid.

4. Church or religion. I can’t stand to talk about that subject at all. When people talk about it I have a hard time even taking them seriously and try not to look at them like they just landed from Mars.

5. Politics. Sorry but I am ashamed to say that I am not political at all. Even the mere mention of it makes my eyes glaze over and I feel like I am going to die from boredom. In defense, however, I do muster up enough energy to vote for president because I think it is my duty and is important.

6. I can’t stand NPR radio. Just the talk, talk, talk on the radio is enough to drive me crazy. So, when some of my gf’s friends talk about it and #5 I just nod my head and pretend to know what they are talking about and that I am interested.

7. Despite the drought and water rationing I long to be politically incorrect and wash my car. (And, am a little bitter about it to be honest.)

8. I am truly a yuppie at heart even though some believe me to be environmentally/politically correct. Underneath it all I long to fill up the tank of my gas guzzling car (that I want to wash) and drive to Florida.

What about you guys?

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

A small bit of guilt

A lot has been going on lately. October went by in a blur and November is proving the same. I know I have been busy lately but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I am sitting here writing this because my family (the original one – not my family in Atlanta) always seems to make me feel guilty that I work all the time, never write and so forth.

I’m sure you all know how that feels. Families can just lather on the guilt until no tomorrow.

This is the same family that I went home and visited at least twice a year until the age of 35. When I did go home there was a greeting then things went back to the way they were. Gossip about the neighbors up the road whom I had no idea anymore who they were. Gossip about the kids of the neighbors up the road that graduated 20 years behind me and I’m constantly asked “Did you graduate together?” Uh – no, they graduated from high school when I graduated from COLLEGE. No questions of how are you, what have you been doing, are you seeing anyone, or what do you actually do in your job? How was your trip to Switzerland/Paris/London/Florida? Nothing. No matter how long I have been away it’s always like this.

My family still thinks that I own a Harley Davidson motorcycle.

I have cousins who are gay who live with their significant others, we are all totally out to the family and I guess in a way that is cool. But, again, the cousins act the same as the elders – nothing about anything is talked about except the same old small town shit. No one wants to hear about my recent trips, or what I do or anything. They do ask where my gf is and I say that she didn’t come. Why should I ask her to make a trip to be another wallflower like myself? I love her and would not subject her to that. But all I ever hear is “You should come home more often. You should write more often.”

When none of them have ever been down to see me or return my emails.

So, please tell me why should I feel guilty if I don’t send emails consistently?

Please tell me why I should feel guilty that I haven’t gone home for Christmas since my mother died, my grandmother died and my sister moved to Europe?

Please tell me why I should feel guilty that I have a life - a life that my BLOOD relatives care nothing about?




Friday, November 02, 2007

Tagged from Afunt

1.Farm hand until I was 17.
2. Taco maker at Taco Johns - I was fired because I kept forgetting the order of ingredients on a tostada vs a taco - apparently it was different in those days.
3.Photographer for college fraternity and sorority parties
4. Landscaper between all college years

1. 4 weddings and a funeral
2. Prince of Tides (go Barbra!)
3. St. Elmo's Fire
4. Adventures in Babysitting (go Elisabeth Shue)

1. Greys Anatomy
2. Dexter
3. Lost
4. Weeds

FOUR PLACES I'VE GONE ON VACATION (in the past two years)
1. Paris
2. Swizterland
3. London
4. Blue Mountain Beach, Fla

1. Mexican food
2. Pizza
3. Big Salads
4. Eggs - of any kind (with salsa on them)

1. Google/Froogle
2. Yahoo homepage
3. AJC
4. Blogs

1. In bed with B-
2. -watching the high def TV
3. Any of those places I went on vacation above
4. or anywhere warm and beachy

Tag you're it

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Halloween & Anniversaries

I know you have read about Halloweens in my past and there always seems to be something happening on this date to mark some sort of anniversary. First, it was coming out and now it was breaking up.

Yes, on exactly one year from today my ex and I broke up. Over a rat.

That's scary enough, isn't it?

Around such breakups there is always the thoughts of "Should I have done that?" or "What if I hadn't?" start seeing someone new. Then, thoughts of doubt just melt away, don't they?

It was exactly one year from today that I came home from work and my current called me and said, "Can you come over RIGHT NOW?"

Having the STUPID thought of her wanting to jump my bones (since it had been two months already (silly me) I RUSHED over there. Only to find rat turds and the suspicion that there HAD BEEN a rat in the house. This was the first of the expectation of me whipping out my exterminator cape and flying in to the rescue.

Little did she know that that cape was at the cleaners and I was not going back to pick it up. Not participating in the HUNT FOR RAT-OCTOBER turned into a(nother) MAJOR argument - fueled by alcohol, I might add - over me not cutting her off earlier in drinking.

Hello? I am an AA councilor, too? I've never worn that cape.

Anyway, it's all good! I am glad that I threw all those capes away and moved on.

So, Happy Halloween and rat retirement anniversary to me!

Although, I hope nothing happens this year to gain another anniversary! Except maybe an anniversary of watching a new DVD on my new TV.

Yeah, I can handle one of those anniversaries! Have a happy Halloween and be safe out there!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I have Succumbed!

Afunt - “What did you want help with
Me – Opening the back hatch of my Explorer exposing a big box “This
Afunt’s eyes getting big “WOW!”

B is more of a techie than I – and, I carry a Blackberry! Last weekend we were laying in bed and she said, “I wish you had a TV in the bedroom! Then, we could snuggle and watch the game.” Me – I was thinking Then we could spend more time in bed. More time in bed = more sex! Hmm, this is not a bad idea.” Out loud I said, “What kind of TV, honey?” She said, “Oh, high definition, flat screen, NOT plasma (not sure of the reasoning but NOT that). Plus, you should get a DVR, you’ll have to get a digital box from Comcast, AND you should get speakers and you’ll have to upgrade to digital channels, plus Showtime as you like that show."

Me thinking - All this for more time in bed?” Sigh

So, I looked at sales papers, I went to stores, I asked more questions to my techie gf, I went to more stores, I looked online, I read reviews. I educated myself on the subject. It didn’t matter because by the time I got to Brandsmart I must have looked like a fish ready to hook.

The salesman asked me what I was looking for and I had the thought of “go big or go home” just prior to saying 37”. He took me over to an HP that he was having a “special” on and that was all she wrote.

Afunt grabbed one end of the box and we slid it out of the car and carried it to my bedroom. It took us 5 minutes to slide it out of the box and lift it up to the dresser.

Her eyes were still big.

Later, that night I decided that I just HAD to hook this thing up. Which entailed drilling holes in my floor, crawling in the crawlspace under my house – in the dark. (OK can I just tell you how scary that was?) I finally got it hooked up – and the first show that was on was Friends. No high definition channels just yet until the cable company hooks up my new box on Thurs. but not a bad picture what-so-ever.

I am now high tech.

And, I have decided that weekends I'm not working - I should get spend every moment in bed with B.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Distant Ramblings

It’s finally cooler outside. When Monday it was 85 degrees and then it dropped with the rain. Last night I was getting ready to meet friends out for a drink. The house was cold and breezy. I felt a chill and ran around to shut all the windows much to my cats’ distain. Animals tend to get CRAZY the first scent of fall and the weather cooling off. Even my old cats have all their toys out on the kitchen floor when I come home these days. I will be watching TV and hear a crash in the other room and sure that half the house has fallen in when it’s only my cats playing with each other – slamming into furniture and knocking things over. My drum set cymbals reverberating the whole time.

I back the thermostat down to 65. I have a big house and heating it is a bitch. Well, it’s not the furnace. No the house will get toasty warm in a matter of minutes but my gas bill will be north of $200. Gas companies suck! Yeah, let’s jack up the rates when we need heat. In the summertime when the only thing I use gas for is for my hot water heater the rates are at the lowest. I sign a new contract with a gas company every year before winter to ensure I lock in my rates.

I want to be in Florida – so bad this week. I want to be with my two friends down there. Running every morning with J and taking the dogs for a walk on the beach. Snapping on the harness of the smaller of the two dachshunds, Barry. Watching the tide come up. I want to be there but I do not know how to do it. What would I do for a living down there? How would I sell my house in this market? Oh well. More thoughts on this to continue, I’m sure.

I throw on my fur lined sweatshirt and feel the softness and warmth envelope me. OH MY GODDESS! I am not going to be out of this thing all winter! It will be like Little House on the Prairie where they sew themselves into that red long underwear with the flap in the back. Did they really do that? I need to study, I need to study, I need to study!! But when? I am too busy. I will study non-stop all weekend. I have to!

I want to be in Florida.

Driving to a new place to meet friends. I hope there’s not a bunch of rug rats running around. I hope they have the game on. I hope it doesn’t suck. I park and there ‘s a couple with three kids running around just outside the door. Sigh. Welcome to Decatur.
As I make my way around them I see on the door “No one under 21 allowed in bar” I smile. I like this place already. I go in. The bar is nice – it is separated from the restaurant well. It is quiet. There is no smoke and no children. There are 3 wide screen TV’s showing the game. Ahhhhh! This is GREAT! My two friends wave from the corner table. I forget everything and go have drinks with them.