Another Christmas Story

Flash forward years later. Mom has since left us for the big Christmas tree in the sky, Grandma is still alive and my sister still lives in Indianapolis.

It’s Christmas and me and (Wedding Bells) gf are flying to Indy to spend Christmas with my sister, grandmother and ex brother-in-law – I’ll call him L. Gf and I are running to the airport to make our flight. This was right after 9-11. We check in and are running to security and next thing you know they are pulling us aside and putting us in this little hall to be checked separately. We are being treated like terrorists. As it turns out – gf made jewelry for a living and had all her pliers, scissors and needles in a tin in her carry-on bag. Me – I forgot to take off my belt and it set off the machine. The clock is ticking; we are going to miss our flight. The security people said we must check her bag in order for us to get on the flight. They let her go on down to the concourse and I have to run back to the Delta desk to try to get her bag on the flight or else we’ll miss it. Delta is not happy – they have already loaded the plane and assured me that they would try to get it on but wasn’t promising anything. My cell phone is ringing and gf is saying the people at the gate will not hold the plane any longer. I ran through security and to the gate. Once there I am huffing and puffing and sweating and the gate people just glare at me. I get on the plane and plop down in the seat next to gf and she breaks into tears because she is afraid that they will loose her bag and her whole livelihood is in it. –Sigh- I call my sister and say “get out the vodka – we’ll need a strong drink when we get there.” (the bag wasn’t lost, btw)

Christmas Day at sister’s house: We have just finished dinner and are opening presents. I have just given my sister’s [bratty cocker spaniel] a bone and a new collar. He is chewing on the bone. I notice that the tag is still on his new collar that he is wearing and I reach over to pluck it off and he attacks me. He bites me on the mouth and blood goes everywhere. My sister screams, L grabs the dog and puts him outside. Grandma is still eating. I have my hands covering my mouth and gf (who is also a nurse) tells me to take my hands away so she can look at it. When I do she starts crying again. This isn’t good. Just then we hear car wheels squeal and L runs into the house and says we need to go to the ER now. Gf puts a towel with ice on my face and her and I hop in the car. Sister stays with Grandma. Speed records broken, red lights ran we end up at – guess where – my favorite hospital again – Methodist.

We are sitting in a room in ER. There are two I.U. interns (picture Grey’s Anatomy) looking at my face. They have managed to clean up most of the blood and find that I need a few stitches in my upper lip. The good news is that they can get the stitches in in time for us to make our flight back to ATL. The bad news is if they do local anesthesia by the time the swelling goes down to put in the stitches we would have missed our flight.

As they say at Nike – “just do it!” So, two stitches later without local we are on our way to the airport. The doctors have given me some Vicodin to relieve the pain. I take one before boarding the flight. (Noting that THIS time we check the damn jewelry bag). Once on the plane the Vicodin hits. I am nauseous. I cannot take pain medication too well.

I get up to go into the bathroom and the flight attendant says “No, we’re getting ready to take off”. I sit there holding it in with a barf bag in my hand. I really don’t want to throw up with two stitches in my lip. Once the plane took off I spend the entire time in the bathroom trying not to throw up. We have a connection flight in Cleveland, OH. We are delayed. All the seats in the airport are full because all the flights are delayed. A woman will not take her suitcase off of the seat beside her to give me a seat. I go over to the only available space beside the gate and lay down on the floor. The airport security comes over and tells me that I cannot lay there. We finally make it back to Atlanta.

ER bill: $600
Airfare for two people: $300
Absolute vodka: $50
A sexy scar: priceless!