Online musings of everyday life....

Monday, December 11, 2006

Demons and Anxiety Attacks

Let me just say that Monday’s suck big pattootie!

For one thing no one ever wants to do anything on a Monday night. If you’re single you’re left with ghosts and getting over a sucky day by yourself.

These are the nights of second guessing and licking wounds of a weekend hangover. Which, the later probably contributes to the second guessing. After fighting traffic for an hour I came home and immediately put on my pajama’s after a hot shower trying to wash the day away.

Yes, I am depressed and second guessing [once again] my recent break up. I know – read “25 Telltale Signs” (that has now grown to 30) once again. Wondering what could have been different. Wanting the things the relationship didn’t give you. Wishing that it could be different. Longing for a comforting touch or ear of understanding from the one person you thought would always be there for you. And, they are not there – hence, the reason of the break up.

And, I should be joyous because of getting ready to go
here and here. The anxiety hits. I have never been gone from home as long as I am getting ready to be. Pulling out the suitcases I realize I have no idea what to pack. That just packing underwear alone for two weeks takes up most of one suitcase. Wondering how I am going to possibly fit all this in two bags. My mind races of things I have to do before going. Grocery store, cat food, litter, pay bills, go to the bank, what were those things my sister wanted me to bring? Where’s my map of Paris? What if the house burns down while I am gone? What if one of the cats gets sick? What if my sitter forgets to fill in when she should? Will someone steal my cars?

All those things that could have been slightly easier if I had someone by my side to comfort me, to voice these fears to, to hold my hand or even lay me down and touch me with their warm hands and make me forget these fears or seem like they are irrational and far, far away.

Yeah, how do you do it? This being single? Knowing that you have to do it all yourself. With no help at all.

Where’s my damn passport?


Blogger r.d. said...

Ok t2, first of all take a breath... sounds to me like you need to maybe practice a little meditation? Sometimes all those crazy irrational thoughts in your head can take you over but you have to settle them down if you want to relax. Talk to yourself- you have everything you need inside of you. Breathe baby, breathe... in silence. You will be ok, as will your house, your cats, your cars and your preperations. Just think, you have no one telling you how to pack or what to bring or not to bring. It's a chance to maybe become a stronger woman, and what's more sexier than that.

Easy for me to say, I know I'm not single. Worry sucks, I'm sorry.

8:26 PM

Blogger Kelly said...

I couldn't agree with R.D. more, T2. When all the thoughts and questions are racing around in your brain, it paralyzes you. Breathing and talking to yourself is a great idea. You do have all the answers. I'd also suggest writing it out. Ask yourself a question about something that's bugging you, listen, and then write what you hear. Don't judge, don't edit. Just transcribe. I've used this process for years whenever I'm confused or upset and I'm often blown away by what I hear.

And yes, there is nothing sexier than a strong, confident woman who is in touch with her inner being. :)

12:25 PM

Blogger Samantha said...

I agree with RD and Kelly about a strong woman being sexy but also being vulnerable once in awhile is also particularly endearing. I just started reading you but I see both in you.

Kelly gives good advice about writing things out. Breathing, long deep breathes where you let your shoulders drop, your jaw relax, your fingers and toes uncurl also helps. A lot.

Think about why you are reconsidering your break up (I came in after this so I know nothing about it). Is it that the lonlies are getting to you or that you miss *her* and *the relationship with her*?

As to the trip part - make lists.
To pack; animal prep; house prep; etc. Not one long one - it will make you insane. Divide by area. Have a great glass of wine while you are there, toast yourself, your life and remember there is still a whole lot more to experience when you return.

2:07 PM


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