Is it considered an......affair?
(Painting by:Mark Kostabi Titled: Internal Affair)
The previous post brought up some good discussion about blog readers and whom we all feel comfortable giving our addresses to.
As I said before, only a few of my friends in Atlanta have my address. Several friends have asked for it and some I have told the standard “censorship” line and others I just say “Yeah, sure” and never send it to them.
Over the holidays when I was in Switzerland I did break down and give my address to my sister. This was HUGE for me. (Yes, J – I know you’re reading this) but it came with a “don’t ever give me shit or freak out about what I write about” clause.
Who I DO care about reading my blog is someone I am romantically invested in. Yes, I started my blog months prior to (ex) gf and I breaking up. She had no earthly idea that it ever existed and I kept it that way. This was a person I knew would give me shit about it. Either it would be over something I wrote or something I didn’t write. To this day I am thankful I never mentioned it to her. I plan to be firm about future romances, gf’s, etc. This blog does not exist to them. I consider my blog to be my online journal of sorts. And, I would NEVER want someone I was dating, gf - ex or current to read my journal – EVER!
What do you do? Does your significant other know your address? And, if so does this ever cause problems? If not, then do you consider this somewhat of an affair?
The previous post brought up some good discussion about blog readers and whom we all feel comfortable giving our addresses to.
As I said before, only a few of my friends in Atlanta have my address. Several friends have asked for it and some I have told the standard “censorship” line and others I just say “Yeah, sure” and never send it to them.
Over the holidays when I was in Switzerland I did break down and give my address to my sister. This was HUGE for me. (Yes, J – I know you’re reading this) but it came with a “don’t ever give me shit or freak out about what I write about” clause.
Who I DO care about reading my blog is someone I am romantically invested in. Yes, I started my blog months prior to (ex) gf and I breaking up. She had no earthly idea that it ever existed and I kept it that way. This was a person I knew would give me shit about it. Either it would be over something I wrote or something I didn’t write. To this day I am thankful I never mentioned it to her. I plan to be firm about future romances, gf’s, etc. This blog does not exist to them. I consider my blog to be my online journal of sorts. And, I would NEVER want someone I was dating, gf - ex or current to read my journal – EVER!
What do you do? Does your significant other know your address? And, if so does this ever cause problems? If not, then do you consider this somewhat of an affair?
posted by Trinity2 at 12:40 PM
15 Comments:
Interesting. Betty Please knows about, and occationally reads my blog. She actually started my blog but never used it, I mean I don't even think she wrote one post, so I took it over. But yes she knows about it, and I talk about people who read my blog and who's blogs I read, or tell her she should go read certain posts. Because she reads my blog there are things I would like to talk about but don't, but I think that I need to respect her wishes for privacy in those instances.
My pursose for blogging then, was to try to connect with like minded people, it was never really about having a "journal". BP and I don't have any gay friends, and I really was starting to feel pretty isolated. And I think I've accomplished my goal, I have met so many cool and interesting people and I feel a lot less alone now.
Blogging jogged my memory a bit, I had forgotten how much I enjoy writing. I used to write a lot, but I would always destroy what I wrote after I was finished because I didn't want anyone to find it and read it. I have thought about starting another blog, a secret blog, a blog that I don't tell anyone I know about,including BP. But, I think at least as far as BP is concerned it seems a little duplicitous. Not that I don't have a right to my own private life and thoughts, but I just think that it could lead to bad things. And I don't know, after 14 years it does sort of seem like cheating if I'm sharing a cetain emotional side of myself with strangers on the internet and not only am I not sharing it with her bur also hiding it from her.
If I were single, I'd probably keep my blog a secret. I mean what happens if you break up, then you've got a pissed off ex with the ability to stalk you. No thanks.
3:35 PM
what is u started dating someone you met via blog site?
4:18 PM
Since I'm not dating anyone, the question is moot. However, when I do find myself in a relationship again, I'll have to consider it. On the one hand, I can't imagine keeping something like this secret. I don't want to set a precedent for keeping things from someone with whom I'm sharing all the other important aspects of my life.
Then again, there is the distinct possibility that it would limit the degree to which I may feel comfortable sharing things.
AF's question is a big one. Having dated people I've met online in the past, it does muddy the proverbial waters a bit sometimes.
4:22 PM
Well, Miss A reads my blog every day. She says it's a good way to know what I'm thinking. Used to, I wrote about whatever I was thinking. Then I got in trouble because she said I made her out to be a witch and that everyone in blogland thought she was a horrible person.
So... I quit writing about her. Then she said I never wrote about her. We've had several 'words' over what I do and do not write on the blog in relation to her specifically.
Otherwise, I write whatever the hell I want. I just have to be careful how I portray her. Of course, now and then she'll leave a comment clarifying something I've written.
It doesn't really bother me that she reads the blog. Whatever I'm thinking pretty well comes out of my mouth as far as she's concerned anyway.
I do however, keep a journal. She has been threatened within an inch of her life over it. She's afraid to touch it. When she needs to move it, she tells me she's touching it. She's even been known to tell me she's touching a blank notebook she thinks might be my journal.
I think if you consider this place your journal then you're allowed to give the address to whomever you please and not to others. Knowing that some folks are going to stumble in through linkage elsewhere.
As far as it being an affair, I never really felt that way about my blog. Nor do I feel that way about my journal. I do though feel that the journal is completely and totally off-limits to everyone but me. Not that it contains writing of an 'affair-ish' nature, but it does contain things that are no one's business but my own. I would not be happy with a romantic interest dabbling in the paper journal. In fact, it's probably the worst kind of betrayal in my book having had my personal writings used against me in the past.
Thus, the blog is public, the journal is Black Ops.
I suppose it comes down to one's attitudes towards privacy, trust, and relationship. I expect both privacy and trust when in a relationship. I expect that my partner will also require both. There are just things that make us who we are that no one else needs to know until we're ready to share it. It's part of discovering the true self, if you will.
4:38 PM
Very interesting question. For the first few months that I blogged (almost 2 years ago) I didn't tell Fran. Then I felt like I was hiding something from her, and told her.
At first she didn't read it, then she did. When she did, he kind of freaked because in one post I made a passing mention of sex, or the lack of it at that point in time. I was flat out told that was not going to go up on my blog ever again.
The blog was kind of a touchy subject after that. I guessed she was reading it, but I didn't know for sure, and I didn't want to ask. Then I saw her reading it, and got kind of weirded out. I told her (I can never keep my mouth shut), and she got weirded out that I was weirded out, and said she'd never read it again. I had to beg and plead with her to read it. Once she finally did, she saw a couple of things she didn't like, so we had a chat about what she considered crossing the "too personal" line for my blog. That was about a year ago.
Since then there haven't been any problems, and now we joke about how I'm blogging something that's gone on. I think a big part of it had to do with coming to mutual understanding of what was and was not okay for me to put out there.
As I've become closer to people I've met through blogging, I talk more about them, and direct her to their blogs (which she might or might not read). I sometimes email her links to specific blog entries I know she'll get a kick out of. They've often become as much a part of our daily conversations as our 3-D friends.
As far as the cheating thing... sometimes it does feel like it, but only because I put thoughts and emotions to words on my blog (which means to others) before I might share them wtih her. But, it's always been easier for me to write to my emotions rather than talk about them. I can sit, think, and forumalate my thoughts, rather than stumble over them. I do sometimes wish I had a place just to bitch and vent when we argue or when I'm upset/frustrated with her. Instead, I end up emailing or IMing with a friend made through blogging.
If I weren't married, I don't think I'd tell anyone about my blog. I'd lose the place to share my feelings and thoughts, and then anything said could be held against me. Granted that's probably true in some relationships, but it would just be different for dating vs. married.
8:55 PM
Lucy encouraged me to start a blog, so any pictures, comments, whatever that end up there about her, are entirely her fault.
That said, my blog is my space. I can write what I want. I don't know that I would share it with a new girlfriend, it would be more like my hideaway. The only people I've given the address to are Lucy, Brooklyn, and Annie, and I'm not sure Annie has read any of it. Funny that it took me a couple of months to give it to her, but since I write about her, I thought she might want to know. I've known Brooklyn for years, it's easier for her to keep up with me this way since we don't get to talk much these days.
I don't want my family to know about it, other than that, it's pretty much fair game.
12:19 AM
well i'm single at this time but i imagine i would tell a future significant other. at the same time, i use code names for people i write about now and change just enough information so that its almost in code. except for the stuff about my boss. that's all completely real.
i was dating someone during the beginning of my blog but only mentioned general things, never anything personal. and that's the amazing thing...you find that there's a whole word inside you separate from this other person. no betrayal is necessary. i also imagine settinp up boundaries would be a good idea...
2:34 AM
C. Love told me to feel free to write anything I wanted on the comment to this post and that she wouldn't read it-if that tells you anything.
I've been with her for a long time and we are very connected both physically and spiritually so to all of a sudden not share something with her would feel strange.(my blog) We don't hide things from each other and encourage complete honesty in the relationship even if it's something that may be hurtful. Soooooo, since we do all this, my blog has become more of a 'thing' that is just mine and not 'ours'. Retaining my individuality is something I've struggled with while being involved in a relationship, so I definately need things that are just mine- like I'm two or something.
I don't say a lot of things on my blog and now since I know all of you, I can say even less... and I don't have what it takes to have an affair, on line or in person-I'm in too deep. My advice? keep it to yourself as long as possible cus there's no going back.
Bottojm line: she'll read if I allow, respects my space and is completey intersted in the whole thing.
9:09 AM
I kept mine a secret for months. She knows about it now, but not the name or how to find it. I hope.
Excellent topic.
9:42 AM
my blog is no secret. people can find me and link to me. k knows i write, she reads what i write, and we talk about those on my blogroll. sharing is one thing that we have always done. it would be nice if she started up a blog, actually, she is a great stroy teller, and writer in her own right. perhaps, one day poetscricket will be a blogpage. :) enjoy your day. great post.
10:28 AM
i wish i could check my spelling in comments, story teller, sorry, poet
10:29 AM
I don't hide mine. From the soon to be ex or anyone else. I don't broadcast it, but I don't hide it either.
10:30 AM
Very good feedback,ladies! After reading all of your comments there still is a part of me that wants to keep my blog separate from my relationship (when I have one, that is). Those of you that have told your sig. other about your site are very brave ;-) but I admire those of you that can be open about it and share it with your other half. It makes me realize that by keeping it anonymous that you're also cutting off some part of sharing your life. So, I am still at an impasse. I think it really depends on the person you share your life with and the kind of relationship you have with them. For me - I am thankful I looked into my heart and listened to my gut in not telling (ex) about my blog. I would have suffered several times over knowing she read my blog even after we broke up. For future gf - who knows. I will just have to look into my heart and listen to my gut once again.
10:41 AM
well, I started my blog because I was in a relationship and felt that she was not listening to me. I don't really have a circle of friends, so I felt isolated and alone. One of my coworkers started a blog, and encouraged me.
I did ask people to read it and give me their thoughts about what I had written. That was when I generally stuck to things that were either political or not really journal-like. My ex would never read it. But that told me that she really did not want to hear me. Now, i am happy with my virtual-friends and I do not give it to co-workers or casual friends.
When I met Myra, I gave her my addresses, and she read ALL of Both of them. I love that. I was already pretty sure of her, so it was sort of a test. I wasn't too invested so if her reaction was foul, she would have been out of here. I do edit what I write about her out of respect, but honestly, if we are having a bad day, then I think it would help that she knew what was going on with me. I haven't had to really struggle with that yet.
I do better in relationships where I can share all of myself. But, clearly it has to be the right person. If I cannot share my thoughts and emotions, then i cannot share my poetry or art (once i start creating it again). It is a package deal.
I would probably be upset if I knew my ex-gf were reading my blog, because i feel that now she has no right to know what is going on with me. I would hate to have my personal stuff used as a weapon against me.
be sure
10:57 AM
Very good question. TGF encouraged me to start a blog. I blog what I want, including some of our issues, but leave out details sometimes because I don't need support via the blog for specific, I have friends for that. I have a friend who when she opened her blog to the person she was dating, the blog *totally* changed. I also didn't agree with the reasons she gave for having the sweetie read it. Way off base in my opinion and now she is limited by that because of the nature of their relationship. I think the answer is very specific to the person(s) involved.
4:10 PM
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