Bathing Suit Quandaries

Since B and I are getting ready for the island and it’s been hot as Hades down here for the past week it has come time to dig out the old suits and consider new suits.

On Sunday B and I decided to spend the day at the lake picnicking and swimming. I pulled out all my suits and showed them to her. One particular suit (which, I should throw away) was one that I had put on backwards one time – I know – it is possible and I proved it.

Flashback to 3 years ago and I am dating a (crazy) woman with a boat. We were at the lake with a group of girls on 4th of July weekend. There were 3 boats tied up to each other and about 10 girls on each boat. We were swimming, eating, drinking and just hanging out. I noticed that everytime I reached for a beer that my bikini top wanted to move and almost showed some pink parts. I kept messing with it when one girl came over and told me that my top was on the wrong way – that was why it kept wanting to fall off.

Now why didn’t my girlfriend tell me this information?

I had put the part where you tie around your neck around my back and vice versa. Hey! I didn’t know how these things worked – I’d only just started wearing them when I lost all my weight so bikini’s were sort of an anomaly to me. So, this girl held up a towel while I took my top off and switched it around. Whew! That was better!

As I pulled this suit out of the drawer I had to tell B this story. We broke up laughing. I, of course, chose another suit to wear (which I correctly adorned) to the lake shoving this suit back into the drawer.

Once at the lake we are floating around in a cove – B on a raft and me swimming beside. I glanced over and noticed we had an audience of 3 spanish-speaking gentlemen (gawking) watching us. (No, they weren’t Puerto Rican’s R.D.)

We decided to put on a show. (Yes, it was probably well worth their trip to the lake.) But, after awhile we got tired of an audience and got out of the water and sat in the chairs we had brought. Just then we heard a SNAP! And, my bikini top went flying off. The plastic fastener in the back had suddenly decided to break.

So much for not having an audience anymore.

So, now I have to replace one suit – or two, if you count the one I cannot put on correctly. I went shopping today on my lunch hour for replacement suits and this was a very daunting process. Bathing suits (I have realized) are much like shoes. When you find the right pair – BUY THEM - because they are few and far between.
As I was shopping for suits I realized that bikini’s only really come in two sizes:

Really, really small that barely covers your stuff or

Really, really gargantuan – the kind your aunt would wear to the public pool.

Most of the really cool suits that barely cover your stuff want an arm and a (labia) leg for! The people that are shopping for suits (except for myself) are really annoying, too! They are dragging screaming kids by the arm while they sift through the sales rack.

And have you seen the colors and designs of these things? They look like they were designed by people on acid.


“Cool man, that’s a great suit!”

Anyway, I did manage to find a decent suit and fit ok and the top wasn’t too complicated and it looked like it wasn’t designed by this person:


I get home and what should I find?

None of my board shorts remotely match it.

Sigh