Online musings of everyday life....

Monday, August 28, 2006

Wedding Toasts and Linda Hamilton

I am currently working on my toast to the brides, (which, I was informed just yesterday that it was expected of me – Oh, gee..)

Hmm, toasts……let me see…… pulling up “popular wedding toasts” online, here are a few (awful) ones that I found:

"May we all be invited to tour golden wedding celebrations."

Can we say bland and sounds like old people toasting with orange juice and popping Metamucil? “Hey, alright, grandma and gramps! You go!”

"Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population."
Wha...what? I was lost after ter
mination. All I could think of then is Linda Hamilton wielding a gun.

Definitely a pleasant image but not appropriate for the time of this toast. Especially, if there are old people in attendance - “Henry, what did she just say?”
“I don’t know Martha – here, time for our Metamucil!”

"There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends."
I know for a fact my friends don’t see eye to eye on several things especially keeping (clean) house. Plus, the whole man and wife thing makes me want to gag. What do I say in place of that? Wife and wife – uh, that sounds so traditional. And, “confounding their enemies”? What? What enemies? I'm back at Linda Hamiltion again.

"Here's to the groom with bride so fair, And here's to the bride with groom so rare!"
This is so kindergarten-nursery-rhyme. Why don’t I just suck on a lollypop while I say this? Plus, both brides will have been at the beach a week by this time and won’t be fair at all! “Here’s to the bride with bride so red/tan/brown, and here’s to the bride with bride so rare -uh....lika steak!” No, I don’t think this will do – moving on….

"Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success."
We’re at a wedding reception not a pyramid scheme team building session!

"Seek a happy marriage with wholeness of heart, but do not expect to reach the Promised Land without going through some wilderness together."
Ok, “Promised Land” and “Wilderness” are two words that you especially wouldn’t want in a toast – kind of like the two words “Country” and “Buffet” in the name of a restaurant.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out."
AAHH! Let’s just compare marriage to imprisonment! (not that any of us have ever thought that, noooo)

all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."(by Mark Twain, I might add)
I didn’t think it was possible but two MORE words you definitely don’t want in a same sex wedding toast is “Eve” and “Garden”!

Sigh – this is going to be more difficult than I thought. Thanks for nothing, internet!!
I know I am going to have to think about this for a while. But, for now back to
Linda Hamilton…..

Any suggestions?


Blogger Maggie said...

Here's my offer:

Had I the heaven's embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths,
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

William Butler Yeats

3:22 PM

Blogger r.d. said...

Good luck dude, that's a tough one. If it were me I would spend day and night thinking, remembering a certain time or moment that was either funny or introspective or both (if you're clever enough). Then try to relate that with whatever is important to you when you think about them- Like I said, good luck. But in the end nobody remembers the toast. make it short and funny and then just drink!

Hey maggie, are you for real?! wild-

7:53 PM

Blogger Claire said...

“I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

~Pablo Neruda

One of my favorite sexy poets - kind of dirty, though, and not really a toast to a couple. Really just an excuse to plug my favorite poet. Sorry Trin, back to business. :(

How about this: “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world. I know you two will always mean the world to each other. Congratulations (insert drinking here)”

I hate freaking toasts. Maybe go with the Linda Hamilton angry one after all....

3:56 AM

Blogger Maggie said...

You can never go wrong with Yeats at a wedding. LOL

9:06 AM

Blogger Trinity2 said...

Thanks for all the great offerings on the toasts! The wheels are still grinding aways.

Claire! Your post will not let me leave any comments on it - seems I'm "not a member" of your site and it won't let me comment. Gee -I see how it is.... ;-)

11:12 AM

Blogger said...

just say what my dad said at my sister's wedding... GET ER DONE!

Damn redneck family...

3:37 PM

Blogger Trinity2 said...

I hear ya, Duane - maybe I should just go that route!

5:32 PM

Blogger Elizabeth McClung said...

Personally, I think if you start traditional and then end up going on in detail about Linda Hamilton's taunt lithe body with a few licking-of-the-lips and ending with a large drink, it will be a toast no one will forget. I recommend ending with: "May you create many, MANY exciting...I mean happy, encouters...I mean memories. DRINK!"

5:41 PM

Blogger Claire said...

I screwed up my blog real good. I think I fixed it, though. Comment away!

9:14 PM

Blogger Maggie said...

"Things that matter most should never be at the mercy that matter least."

5:28 PM

Blogger Rael said...

Why not try it rap?!? A sample here. Will take time, but itll seal your reputation. =)

3:48 AM


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