Wedding Toasts and Linda Hamilton

I am currently working on my toast to the brides, (which, I was informed just yesterday that it was expected of me – Oh, gee..)

Hmm, toasts……let me see…… pulling up “popular wedding toasts” online, here are a few (awful) ones that I found:

"May we all be invited to tour golden wedding celebrations."
Can we say bland and sounds like old people toasting with orange juice and popping Metamucil? “Hey, alright, grandma and gramps! You go!”

"Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a combination to bring an accumulation to the population."
Wha...what? I was lost after termination. All I could think of then is Linda Hamilton wielding a gun.

Definitely a pleasant image but not appropriate for the time of this toast. Especially, if there are old people in attendance - “Henry, what did she just say?”
“I don’t know Martha – here, time for our Metamucil!”

"There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends."
I know for a fact my friends don’t see eye to eye on several things especially keeping (clean) house. Plus, the whole man and wife thing makes me want to gag. What do I say in place of that? Wife and wife – uh, that sounds so traditional. And, “confounding their enemies”? What? What enemies? I'm back at Linda Hamiltion again.

"Here's to the groom with bride so fair, And here's to the bride with groom so rare!"
This is so kindergarten-nursery-rhyme. Why don’t I just suck on a lollypop while I say this? Plus, both brides will have been at the beach a week by this time and won’t be fair at all! “Here’s to the bride with bride so red/tan/brown, and here’s to the bride with bride so rare -uh....lika steak!” No, I don’t think this will do – moving on….

"Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success."
We’re at a wedding reception not a pyramid scheme team building session!

"Seek a happy marriage with wholeness of heart, but do not expect to reach the Promised Land without going through some wilderness together."
Ok, “Promised Land” and “Wilderness” are two words that you especially wouldn’t want in a toast – kind of like the two words “Country” and “Buffet” in the name of a restaurant.

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside equally desperate to get out."
AAHH! Let’s just compare marriage to imprisonment! (not that any of us have ever thought that, noooo)

all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her."(by Mark Twain, I might add)
I didn’t think it was possible but two MORE words you definitely don’t want in a same sex wedding toast is “Eve” and “Garden”!

Sigh – this is going to be more difficult than I thought. Thanks for nothing, internet!!
I know I am going to have to think about this for a while. But, for now back to
Linda Hamilton…..

Any suggestions?