Running Part III

“I like to pretend I am alone. Completely. Alone.” (From the character Dexter)

I don’t have to pretend most of the time. I am alone. But, that’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it? Yeah, I have a gf who I love very much and love to spend time with. I have friends and a partial family. But, I live alone. And, I have for years. Anyone who has lived alone for as long as I have can relate to this story.

Yes, I am a people person. I can entertain people. My students love me when I teach motorcycle classes. I can go into a tense meeting and make people feel at ease. I can take the worst of situations and make them better.

I can do all this.

But, only because I can come home and throw my keys on the counter, put on my running shoes and go for a run and BE ALONE with my thoughts.

I have days where I just cannot stand to be around anyone anymore after work. My gf calls and I go through the motions of saying all the right things when the whole time I am thinking about pulling out my running shoes and what I am going to make myself for dinner. How much I am looking forward to being alone that night, what I am going to watch on tv, what I am going to read and that I will go to bed early and feel the soft sheets waft down upon my body.

I am not always like this – but, at least once a week I am.

B and I were talking about eventually moving in together this weekend. It was all I could do to keep from having to take a Xanax to calm down. I kept thinking “You have time. At least two years. Don’t worry about it until you get to it.” And, on and on and on…..

“Honey, I think I am going to go for a long run while you work on your paper – k”?

And, I run and I think things like “I love her, I don’t want to loose her, but how can I live with someone? What if she brings all her sh*t? What if I never have any alone time again? Then, we will never make it!”

And, I run and run and think things. I take my worrying out on my body. I am thankful that I can have this release after having surgery and loosing part of my lung years ago and after being a smoker on top of that.

Yeah, I have a gift – and, it’s running. Some [Goddess] force allows me this because she knows that I NEED it.

And, I will always run as long as I can.