Wednesday's journal

It is pouring rain today and I sit in my office staring out the window. I have my space heater on and my xm radio signal is going in and out of reception. I do not fix it because it’s not bothering me that much for some reason.

I knew it was going to rain today. I looked at the forecast online yesterday because lately the rain really makes my mood spiral downward. I need that forecast to prepare myself.

When my alarm went off this morning I slapped the snooze several times and burrowed into my electric blanket deeper. I could hear the rain beating on the windows above my head. I did not want to get up. I wished I could have laid there all day listening to the rain and not having to get up and get out into it. (This lethargicness is so unlike me)

I have a carport so I do not get drenched when I get into my car. I pulled out and as the rain hit the windshield I turned on the wipers. I am driving the boring truck that needs to be cleaned. The beemer, like myself, does not do rain very well.

I am bored at work today. A co-worker’s son is here because they are re-roofing their house. He is sitting right outside my office squeaking his chair. That over the xm fading in and out is getting on my nerves more. I want to leave but there is nowhere to go. I do not have to be anywhere until 6:00 which is my kickboxing class.

I forgot my bag with my workout clothes in it today – I was so focused on the rain and getting my laptop that I forgot that. I desperately need to go to class tonight so I go to Sports Authority at lunch to pick up something to wear to class. (Don’t ask me how and why my boxing gloves managed to make it into the car.)

I called my friend, S1 to vent about another friend. This friend I vented about knows I just had a breakup and has invited me to have Thanksgiving with her and new gf (that she’s been with less than a year and just bought a house with – typical “lesbian moving van syndrome”). As it turned out – she wanted me to come so I could help move her new gf into the new house. So, I am saying to S1 – who is my very best friend in the whole wide world – “I am throwing my fucking cape away! I am sick and tired of being a super hero!”

Why – when I am the one that just experienced a break up and having rain days like this and trying to cheer myself up - that no one seems to acknowledge that? I get asked to help move. Who the fuck is helping me move? I mean, not that I’m moving or anything but recently I had to beg to just get a ride back from the BMW dealership for key-rist-sakes and I’m being asked to help move at a Thanksgiving that I would have driven 4 hours to get to? I’m surprised I didn’t get asked to cook the meal, too. Which I did last year for [ex]gf who was sick and couldn’t eat anything. –Sigh -

Needless to say, I politely refused the Thanksgiving offer. I think I’ll go help serve food at the homeless shelter. At least they appreciate the food and the help and need it more than anyone in my life does!

Days like this I just want to disapear and be inaccessible.

I look forward to class tonight because there is nothing else to.
I look forward to meeting my friend out for a drink tomorrow night and going out to the country bar. Maybe “Tall drink of Water” will be there. (more on that later)