Relationships and Heart Failure

It has been a day of discussing relationships and events that has happened in our lives lately. It seems that everyone (well, maybe not EVERYONE) is breaking up lately, or just got out of a breakup or is ready for one.

Last night, out at the country bar I was there with two of my friends who have recently broken up with their gf’s. One friend (S2) has recently moved out of her lover’s house and the lover threw all of her furniture out on her front porch to get as soon as she could get there. When she arrived to pick it up she saw that a lot of it had suffered damage.

Granted, I think this is waaaay overboard if you ask me. I had a girl practically leave me at the alter, take the new girl to Hawaii (see Wedding Bells) and still had her stuff in my house until a month later when she could get it all out and I never once threw anything on the lawn. Yeah, I should have gotten a medal (pin it to my chest, go on!) for not doing that but I also have my self respect intact. My friend didn’t do anything remotely as extreme as my ex did and she had this to deal with this.

My other friend D who was single, had her ex show up and gawk and glare at her all night as she danced with us and spoke to another woman at the bar.

And, me – I haven’t even had a conversation or fight with my ex since we broke up over email. From one extreme to another. All day I thought about sending her an email saying I was available to talk if she needed any closure on this – not that I needed any – I know that it’s over – but was going to extend the courtesy. Then, I thought – why? So it can be met with anger and misunderstanding? So, I let it go. She will talk to me when she is ready – or maybe, should I say – has come to her senses that she’s not the only one with feelings.

So, I hung out with S2 today. We talked about the women of our pasts, our futures and relationships in general. She has already found someone who she is very much attracted to and wants something with. But, me – I don’t know. I am at an impasse and have no idea where and what I am doing right now except for getting through day by day.

We talked about the 3 times I have been in love and one of the loves was very short lived. In fact, our relationship didn’t last even long enough for me to call her an ex – which, I don’t. But, Goddess – I remember the intensity of it like it was yesterday. It hurt to breathe when I wasn’t in her presence. I remember drinking in every moment of her, her smell, the vivid colors of the outdoors while we were together, every restaurant we ever went to together, the times when we met and how I felt at that moment. Even to this day she still remarks on my memory of things, which is amazing as normally, I don’t have a very good memory. I think at the time I knew deep down inside it was going to be short lived. Honestly, I don’t know how someone can actually survive such intense love for long without having heart failure. Because of such, I kept a very good journal and wrote a lot during that time. I still look back on it with happy memories even though when we parted ways I hurt for a very long time afterwards. I told S2 that maybe I don’t have a “type” of woman I want to see.

I just want to be in love like that again.