The Weekend

The weekend started out rough. Friday afternoon I got pulled into the big bosses office and then sent out to a site with the vice president to look at something we had "gotten our ass in a crack about". By the time vp and I got back to the office I had mud from the knees down and my pristine addida's were no more. I had to roll my pant legs up to the knees and throw my shoes in the trunk of the beemer before I could drive home without getting mud all over the car.

Once, home I stripped in front of the washing machine, started a cycle and went to hop in the shower. Once out of the shower walking into the kitchen I found an inch of soapy water on the floor. Panicked I unplugged the washer and moved it away from the wall (which, despite constant workouts was still difficult) thinking it was a hose that burst. Nope. Nothing. The door of the washer must not have gotten shut all the way. (it's front loading). Mopping up the water I thought this would taste good right then:



I didn't succumb.

Next day, I had to go back up to the jobsite but before that I decided that my bootcamp "homework" assignment would be a kickboxing class. Once there I twisted my ankle really bad. I managed to finish the workout on one foot but it was difficult. Afterwards, I bought an ice pack and ace bandage and secured it with it and drove on up to the jobsite. Once again, hobbling around in the mud. I get home and get the mail and find a letter from the IRS saying that I owe them $3,000! AGAIN, one these would have tasted nice right then:



AGAIN, I didn't succumb!

After that, I said "Fuuuuuck it! I'm going out!" So, I took a disco nap, wrapped my ankle and met S1, M & T out and danced until 2. How's THAT for extra credit homework?

I will not be beaten!

Dammit.

One week down......

......three to go! But, who's counting? [me, I am]

But, I'm already into my size 29 jeans ;-) I realize the first week is the toughest. My body has been trying to get used to all this working out. Finally, my shins are done screaming at me because I iced them last night and it doesn't hurt so bad to get out of bed now. For once, I am WIDE awake and not nursing a hangover on Friday which feels nice. Maybe this fitness thing is all it's cracked up to be afterall.

I still miss my good friend, Guinness! Ok, we won't go there - I still have 25 more days without that friend and sadly, that's been the hardest.

I decided that I DO need a life, though, and am going to attempt to go out dancing tomorrow night. Make that a homework assignment for bootcamp. Yeah, dancing smushed in with eyecandy all around - good homework assignment :-p

Everyone have a great weekend!

And.......

.......don't fucking ask me to go out to eat and/or drink when you know I am doing this bootcamp thing and have to write everything down that goes into my mouth and that the group will be punished if one of us does slip. (Not to mention this is something I'm trying to DO here!) It's like someone quitting smoking - don't offer them a cigarette if you know they have quit!

Ok, having one of those days! First of all – they only happen when it is pouring down rain. This morning was insanity getting to work with rain slamming on my windshield so hard I could barely see on the highway – let alone keep from hydroplaning.

Next, I was mailing several things today (Ebay sold stuff – yay!) I thought this would be an opportune time to return the soup recipe book to the ex (eat up, Sally! –no, her name is not that) and her house key. Of course the book itself wouldn’t fit in my own packaging and I had to pay extra to ship priority mail – whatever, just get out of my sight and off my key ring!

Then, I go to mail in a traffic ticket I got. (Still annoyed because it’s one of those tickets issued from camera footage at an intersection so no, there’s actually no one physically issuing it but a donut-eating governmental worker looking at video tape all day!) When I went to write the check it said “No personal checks”. Great. So, I drove down there and paid in person. $70 out of pocket for more donuts.

Anyway, those things were annoying in itself! Then.....

Once back at my office I decided to go online to check to see if my test scores were up from taking this exam and yes, they were. FAIL in large caps.

-Sigh- guess I’m going to Macon again in June.

Then, I go out to pick up something off the printer and run right into sexual harassment person.

FUCK! Can’ta sista getta break around here?

Bootcamp’s going to feel really good tonight!

Bootcamp - Day 1

Last night was the first night of Operation Bootcamp There were 18 of us [lucky/unlucky] souls there. It started off with a bunch of jumping jacks and then stretching to warm up for our first night PT test.

Here’s how I fared:

1 mile run: 8 minutes
1-minute triceps extensions: 50 straight legged, 5 with bent knees
1-minute sit-ups: 40
1-minute push-ups: 25 straight legs, 25 on knees

I thought it all went pretty well and I had a cute girl partner up with me after we ran. Walking out to my car I thought, “Ok, not bad!”

Then, I couldn’t get out of bed this morning! (Getting out of bed is going to be hell, from now on!)

A conversation with my body ensued:

My arms were like “DUDE! What the hell did you DO to us?”

Legs: “Creak, creak, creak”

My body: “This is bullshit! We’re going on strike!”

Me: “Pull it together, gang! SHEESH!”

1 day down/29 to go

Hopefully, my abs will look like this (again – yes, this is me) by the end:

A to Z me

Been tagged by jromer so here goes:

ACCENT: A mixture of Midwest twang with a little “su-thern” comfort thrown in.
BIBLE BOOK THAT I LIKE: Do into others as you would have like done unto you.
CHORE I DON'T CARE FOR: Cleaning litterboxes
DOG OR CAT: Two cats
ESSENTIAL ELECTRONICS: Cell phone, Laptop, Ipod (in that order)
FAVORITE COLOGNE: Armani Aqua
GOLD OR SILVER: Silver - always
HANDBAG: American Eagle Outfitters messenger bag
INSOMNIA: Yes, often
JOB TITLE: Program Manager
KIDS: None
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: 4 bedroom/2 bath house w/2 cats
MOST ADMIRABLE TRAIT: Loyalty
NAUGHTIEST CHILDHOOD BEHAVIOR: Destroying Farm Equipment
OVERNIGHT HOSPITAL STAYS: Yes-Spontaneous pneumothorax requiring two [long] hospital stays.
PHOBIAS: Yes, Coulrophobia
QUOTE: What comes around, goes around.
RELIGION: No more.
SIBLINGS: one wonderful sister
TIME I WAKE UP: 6 a.m.
UNUSUAL TALENT OR SKILL: Ride a motorcycle like a mo-fo!
VEGETABLE I REFUSE TO EAT: turnips (if that’s a vegetable)
WORST TRAIT: overspending
X-RAYS: broken arm, lots of chest (see above)
YUMMY STUFF I COOK: Too many to tell.
ZOO ANIMAL I LIKE MOST: Tigers

If you read this, YOU'RE IT!!!

Brown Boots & Ex Central

“Are you going to country bar?” S1 asked me last night at dinner.
“Nah, don’t think so.” I said.
“Oh, common! You have your boots on and everything”, she said.

Looking down at my brown boots I agreed. But, these were the brown boots, though. Not the black ones – a big difference. The brown ones represent “Hi, I’m safe. Not looking for anything wild and crazy tonight – see I match your jacket and everything and we’re just safe, brown boots.” But, if I had the black ones on – well, then – watch out. The black boots represent – yes, I’m an outlaw and I’m out on a tear tonight so watch out!” The black boots are the shit kickers fer sure.

“Well, I could swing by there on the way home, it’s on the way and I cannot get into too much trouble because of the brown boots.”

Walking into the bar I run into an old friend and we talk for a while. The place is heating up. I notice a hot little number right beside me.

Sidebar: This is the thing. Women who are interested but too shy to break the ice will get as close to you as possible but still have their back to you while they pretend to be really engrossed in their friends.

I turn to the woman and say hi and she smiles and says hi back. I ask her to dance and we go out onto the dance floor. As we’re dancing she said, “Hi, my name is [insert same name as ex gf here]” I chuckle and said, “It figures” It’s loud and she said, “What?” and I said, “I said my name is D”. We walk off the dance floor and talk for a bit. She lives in a suburb waaay far away and has two kids at the babysitter. Ok, moving on.

I notice another hottie leaning against the wall right next to me. She looks young. I walk over and talk to her and we go out and dance. “Hi, my name is [insert same name as ex – AGAIN]. I almost stopped dancing. Is this some kind of crazy-ass joke?

IS EVERY DAMN WOMAN I MEET IN THE BAR GOING TO BE MY EX GF’S NAME?

–Sigh-

We walk off the floor. She also lives in a town far, far away. And, is 27 and lives with her parents. Moving on again.

I walk over to the other side of the bar and before I realize it I am wedged between the ex gf BEFORE ex gf. (Let’s call her “K”). And, on the other side is KC who I had an unfortunate misunderstanding with a few weeks ago.

Great. What do I do now?

The only thing to do is to act like you have the black boots on and be cool. So, I did.

I am nonchalantly texting this girl in CA and looking bored. Just then “K” grabs me from behind and is looking all happy to see me. This is a trick – I know this girl. She can be very mean – hence why we broke up. We talk for a bit – her gf is out of town – hence why she is being so nice to me. As we’re talking KC walks over and says “Hi”.

Go figure. It pays to act like I have black boots on.

Then, I notice a girl beside me and she turns and said, “Hi, my name is….” I stopped her and said, “Let me guess – I’m good at these things. [ex gf name], right?” She clapped her hands and said, “Right! How did you guess?”

“Just lucky, I guess”

I have to get out of here.

Just then a slow song comes on and I pull 27 year old onto the dance floor. We are dancing and RIGHT beside us is KC dancing with someone looking at me over her partner’s shoulder.

I really do have to get out of here and I have to get these boots off.

After the dance I said goodbye to ALL of the [ex gf’s names] and turn on my heel and leave the bar. Walking to my car I wonder if my brown boots took on the persona of the black boots that night. Like they were trying to tell me that they were just as dangerous as the black and decided to push the gamut. Like “Haha, we showed you!"

Regardless, once home and am fumbling in the dark to get my boots off my phone blinks – I have a text message – from ex gf.

V-Day Mishaps

Well, did we all make it through V-Day successfully? Does anyone have any horrible V-Day stories to tell? You know, like worst first dates and so forth? Any of the following scenarios apply?

You get to her door with chocolates in hand and find out she’s allergic to them.

You get to her door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and she says those are the same ones that they put on [insert lost loved one here] casket?

While you are at dinner the [insert pet name here] ate all the chocolate and had to be rushed to the 24 hour emergency vet to have it’s stomach pumped. Instead of sex that night you fall asleep at the vet waiting for “Snookums” to get out of surgery?

You decide not to do the standard card and send her an egreeting only to find out that she had computer problems or wasn’t even on the computer that day. (You find this out after getting the cold shoulder)

You forget to make a res at a restaurant only to get there and it is packed with noisy yuppies.

You get to her door only to find that the ex sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers and you get the “Dear Jane” talk because they’re getting back together.

You both get food poisoning at the restaurant (that was your choice) and spend the night throwing up.

Their [insert pet name here] dies or has died that day so they can never celebrate V-day because of that.

When you show up at their door they are dressed all in black and want to bitch about their ex all night. (RUN FOREST, RUN!)

She gets you heart shaped pink soaps to put in your bathroom. (RUN, FOREST RUN!)

Your car breaks down on the way to the restaurant.

The ex shows up while you are having V-Day dinner.

Me – this is how I spent V-Day – In my Kohler jet tub with a Guinness! YEAH! (After a vigorous kickboxing workout, of course. I hit the bag so hard at one point I thought I broke my wrist. A little V-Day angst maybe?)

So, let's hear 'em!

Simple is good

I think the universe was really trying to play a sick joke on me this past week. And, it all started at the Superbowl party last Sunday.

I was there with S2 and the fashion designer girl we had met at country bar about a month ago. We were all talking about "closure" and how necessary it was in moving on. I thought about that the rest of the night. (So much, in fact, that I don't remember that much about the Lword - and, I watched it twice!) That night as I climbed into bed I asked the universe/great Goddess to give me a sign on when I should try to get closure.

The next morning when I walked into my office I sat my blackberry down and guess who it dialed - HER! I took it as a sign. So, I hung up the phone and emailed her and said I was ready to talk if she was.( - that was so contradictory, wasn't it? I mean, I should have just CALLED HER! -or waited for her to answer the phone.....)

She responded positively and we agreed to catch up via email for awhile and work slowely on being friends. "This is good", I thought. Until that night I ran into her and a friend at wine tasting class and she acted like I had the plague and practically ran to the other side of the room to look at wine.



SHEESH!

Anyway, the rest of the week consisted on misinterpreted emails back and forth until finally we talked on the phone and an understanding was made. We agreed to call from now on.

Alot can be misconstrued via email.

Then, Saturday my blackberry got all messed up and I lost all my email and phone numbers. I almost fainted. [seriously] I took it to Cingular and we worked on it for hours trying to fix it.

We never did.

Maybe this is a sign. To turn the email off for awhile. Stop making it so easy and yet so complicated. Stop the distraction and also the dependence.

Just give me a damn phone.

But a fancy one.

Closure

I need to keep believing that the reasons I left are valid.

I need to understand that sometimes the other person will not grant closure and in these instances it needs to come from within.

I need to continue to take action on being happy.

I need to continue to nurture myself.

I need to realize that I've done all I can do and in doing more I will damage myself further.

I have done all that I can do.

I am a good person.

And, I am walking away.

When the going get's rough.....

......the tough go to the hockey game! (Yeah! Sold out game and good seats to boot!)

There's nothing better to sooth this poor girl's soul than......

a few scraps,

yelling,

and, of course - BEER!

Oh, and the Blueland Babes arn't bad, either!

Go Thrashers!

Fuuuuuck Monday! Fuck ex's, fuck wine tasting class and running into ex there, fuck friends who act weird after you break up with gf (and who are at wine tasting with ex), fuck weird girls you go out with (the first time out of the shoot) who blow you off and act weird. Fuck Autocad! Fuck wanting a cigarette and can't have one.
Yes, I did this to this can and now I'm going to chew on it because I want a cigarette so bad and NO I AM NOT GOING TO SMOKE ONE!

Dammit.

I'm so glad monday is over!!

Experience

Last night as Afunt and I sat at the table in French bistro typing on our laptops booking our trip to Chicago we started talking about more things we wanted to do, trips to take, things to experience. She said, “Why shouldn’t I experience what I want to?” I agreed.

I cannot speak for her but the reason I am in agreeance with this concept is because I have experienced great loss in my life. I have lost almost everything at one time. For years I grieved. Then, I was bitter. Now, I am thankful.

I look around at all that I have and am thankful for how far I have come. Especially, with the loss I have experienced and the lack of support from anyone except for my sister and my close friends. I get out of bed in the morning and come out of my bedroom and the cats lead me down the hall to the kitchen to make coffee and get them breakfast. I trill “Good morning!” to them. I am thankful they are still here. I know my days with them are numbered as every day with everything and everyone else is. I am thankful that I am able to get out of bed and have my health – today. I pour myself some coffee and walk through the house and touch pictures, run my fingers along the many bookshelves and take out one of my favorite books.

When people first meet me they see a youthful face. (No one can ever guess my age right – sunblock and lotion are my friends)Then, they look into my eyes and they know my age. My eyes give it away every time. They show experience, resilience, resolve and most of all age beyond my years.

So, why shouldn’t I book that track class again? Why shouldn’t I go to Italy? Go to Chicago and meet new friends? Why shouldn’t I take life by the balls and twist?

I say to you, be thankful today. Experience life everyday for what it is. If you are close to your family then appreciate them for all they are worth (and, if not then move the fuck on and make your own family to appreciate). Because it could all be gone tomorrow.

Yes, experience what you want to!

See ya in Chicago.

Affairs

Had them?
Want to have them?
Never had them?
What?

r.d. wrote a very good post about affairs and how far does it actually have to go before it’s considered cheating. With my head pounding from the [many] tequila [and lists] shots of last night I am going to try to attempt this post.

First things first [gulp of strong coffee] yes, I have had affairs. Not many but the few I have had in the past I have paid for dearly. In fact, I have paid so many times over for having them that just the thought of it makes my head spin [or is that just my raging hangover?]. But, I have had them for different reasons.

One was just a mutual attraction. Another was because I wasn’t getting enough attention at home and wanted to make my lover jealous and pay attention to me more. That one ended up blowing up in my face – she left and I had no attention. The third was so the woman I was with WOULD break up with me. I wanted her gone, tried to break up with her many times and she wouldn’t LEAVE. So, I had an affair and told her about it – she left. It worked wonderfully!

But, lets back up, shall we?

What is considered an affair? Is it just the physical act of kissing and having sex that it’s considered an affair? Or is it when someone starts having an emotional bond with someone else that’s not their significant other?

One of the affairs that I paid for dearly was when one of my previous gf’s [practically] left me at the alter. [ok, going to write about this shit – another gulp of coffee and rolling up my sleeves]

Once upon a time - well, the last woman I was in love with (and, no – it wasn’t last gf – that’s why we broke up – simple as that) I asked to marry me. I get a little queasy thinking that I could actually be married right now [again, maybe it’s the hangover]. We had a year engagement after I asked her. During which we were out one night celebrating our engagement [showing off her ring – which, I finally finished paying for] and a “friend” of hers was there. I found out later [as she tearfully told me at the humongous cabin we rented] that this friend approached her and asked her if she was absolutely sure she wanted to marry me and then confessed that they were in love with her. Well, this, my friend’s, is all she wrote. The fat lady just sung, here. Ca-poot! What I am saying is this is all it took to put doubt in her head and afterwards they started [what I believe] an emotional affair that lasted all the way up until two months before the actual wedding. But, the whole time she denied actually having an affair. That they never had any physical contact until after we had broken up.

So, what do you think? Was it an affair? Or wasn't it?

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. [at least I think I do] it’s better this way. Thank Goddess you didn’t marry this girl. She didn’t love you – blah, blah, blah. If someone can change her mind that easily then it’s for the best – blah, blah, blah. Or [what I'm thinking] how could you be so stupid and not break up with her ass immediately?And, of course, the age-old phrase:

It simply wasn’t meant to be.

Goddess, I HATE that phase! WHATEVER! Maybe I wanted to get married on the beach in Hawaii with my white Armani suit and be in love! [I’m having my little hissy fit]

Dammit.

Anyway, all those affairs I mentioned before – I paid dearly for them. Because we all know [another age-old phrase]

What comes around, goes around.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to break up with their ass?

Oh, and that "friend" she left me for? They're MARRIED now!

It's Thursday.....

.......... and that time again for Tequila and Lists (and, country bar, of course).

It seems like everything really falls into place when you put it out into the universe – your wants, your don’t wants. Right? That’s what it’s all about! (“No, honey – circles, not teeth….”)

I’m meeting S1 at Frogs for more of that tonight. Tonight’s list topics are a list of 5 things to be thankful for.

Mine are the following:

1. My health
2. Sister
3. Friends
4. House
5. Job (last but not least)

The next list is 2 things to consider letting go of:

1. Guilt over not having closure with the ex. I mean, it takes two, right? Why do I have to initiate everything? I just cannot all the time!

2. Friends (and this includes potential girlfriends, dates, romantic interests, etc) that do not reciprocate, period. This one does not come easy to me. I am a caregiver (and a project manager) by nature and am always the one that makes things happen, does everything and initiates. I am making myself step back and just let things happen (personally, that is).

The next list is one from last week, which, we didn’t get an opportunity to talk much about because we had so many friends join us that night. It was list where we want to be a year from now:

1. To have a few of my L.A. exams taken and at least under my belt (I’m hoping passed)

2. Abs – which, this is the easiest one as I’ve already lost most of my “relationship” weight – yes, there’s something to be said for (my) being single. I’m always at my leanest. After bootcamp I am sure this will not be a problem – just maintaining them.

3. A girlfriend. Yes, despite the beautiful abs from #2 I do want a girlfriend. I really am better at commitments and a relationship than being single. (And, why can’t I have both #2 and #3?)

4. Making more $. I am going to ask big boss for a raise next month. This makes everyone that works for this man quake in their boots a little. (He is a very famous man in the world of transportation and very formidable) It’s always the equivalent of going into the ring as a bullfighter. But, I’m taking the bull by the horns and bringing the cape, dammit.
(Trivia:Who is this famous female Matador?)
5. Less debt. Despite several fantasies of buying a new bike I need to put most of my tax refund towards paying off some debt that built up over the year. Which, brings me to the next one

6. A leaner year as far as spending goes. Saving more (or saving) and spending less. And last but not least

7. Smarter. Which, you learn something new everyday, right?

Gosh, these are some heavy lists. We may not make it to country bar! I’ll let you know how it goes!